Joy In The Midst of Struggles

|| 2 0 1 4 || As i reflect on the year of 2014 two things come to mind: transitions and reality check. This year was a time of the unexpected. So let me take you through the main events and what i learned. Graduated College The time had finally come where i graduated from the most amazing university: Azusa Pacific University. This place easily became my new home and the time had come where i had to say goodbye. Especially goodbye to a life i have known for the past 16 years...school. This was the first transition of this year. It had been like every other summer where i move back home but then in august i would move back in with the most amazing girls...nope. When would i move out again? When am i going to see my best friends again? What job am i going to get? These were all the questions i had to deal with in this first transition. The period I would like to say The Unknown Summer Oh summer is usually a glorious time of reading books, tanning, and endless days. Well thi

I am taking a class right now on disabilities and one of our assignments is to watch a movie featuring an individual with a disability. the movie i chose to watch is called front of the class. it is about an individual who has Tourette Syndrome and his journey through childhood until now when he is fighting for a teaching job. the funny thing is as i was watching this movie it was like i was watching my life before my eyes. the things he went through are exactly what i have gone through. even his viewpoints on having a disability are like mine.  in elementary school the teachers thought he was dumb...like me (just because you have a physical disability does not mean you are dumb. going on job interviews are horrible...some of the interviewers don't even give you a chance because of your disability (exactly like how so many interviews went for me this past summer) people stare at him in public because he is different...just like me however, he and i both agree th

Yesterday I wrote a beautiful article from a mother who talks about her down syndrome son. In the article she says that she forgets her son has down syndrome. She looks at her son as any other person and does the title of down syndrome goes away until someone brings it up. This made me think about my life and how I, too, forget that i have a disability. Many of my family and friends say the same thing. i view myself as just another person and it is not until something gets brought up that i think about my disability. i mean yes i may have to ask for help to do something but that is just my normal. This also made me think what if  people forgot those with a disability are different. what if  people did not look to others and judge them by their outside appearance but instead judge them from the inside. i know i know this is pretty much impossible but the more people who forget  then the more that dream will come to life. the other day in my special education class we talked about ho

Tonight I was reminded to take time away from our busy schedules. I think many of times we get in the routine of our busy lives. Where we are constantly thinking about what to do next or what to do tomorrow. We are constantly checking off of our checklist what we did or need to do. We often forget to take time to seek the beauty of today or take a step back to see where we are in life and who is surrounding us. Lately, I have been so caught up with my credential, constantly doing homework or thinking what I need to do. I stress out in times I shouldn't and get annoyed when i shouldn't just because I am thinking about what to do next and how I need to do it right now!! Sometimes we just need to STOP . Put things on pause and enjoy the beautiful things that God has granted you. Tonight, my family got together for a family dinner. It allowed time for me to pause  and look around at my family members and think how each one fulfills my life. We got to reminisce on old memories a

On Oct 1 it was World Cerebral Palsy day (which is the first year i knew about it!) and it led me to reflect on who i am as a person with Cerebral Palsy and the lessons it has taught me which i thought i would share... -do not listen to people who tell you that you can't do something because you will do it just to prove them wrong -i am a lot stronger than i think -even though i fall (literally) i will always get back up and keep pushing on -always stick up for what i deserve -i have more empathy for others especially those with any type of disability because i know exactly how it feels to struggle, to be looked at differently, and to be told you don't deserve a chance -if you want to know if a person is good and caring just have them interact with me because how they treat me will tell all (such as if they talk to me like I'm normal or if they baby talk to me like I'm dumb) -i often don't even realize i have a disability because it is just a part of

Tonight in my grad school class we watched a video about a girl who has severe autism. one day she was introduced to a computer and she started typing how she felt. it was amazing the things she was writing and just how smart she really is. on the outside, however, majority of people would have thought that she was severely handicapped and dumb. this video made me realize two things: how parents can be such a motivator/life changer and how we often prejudge someone. It then made me reflect back on my life and my parents. if it were not for my parents i would not be where i am today. i would not be sitting in grad school pursuing a career in special education. they truly believed in me and knew i could do great things just like the parents of the autistic girl. i think i often times am not thankful enough for my parents. i tend to forget how much they had to fight for me and not listen to the negative people telling them i could not do something and how they would truly do anything to

As this summer comes to a close I am reflecting on all that i have learned and boy was it a wake up call and filled with lots of ups and downs. I started this summer off with the idea that now i have my B.A. in Liberal Studies i can easily get a job. no problem...WRONG! it has now been almost 4 months and still no job. i was beyond frustrated at first. thinking what is wrong with me and why is everybody telling me the right job will come at the right time. okay okay i get that but i want a job right NOW. i kept thinking well when you are in my shoes that is not the right thing to say. i am trying my hardest and going to so many interviews and applying to SO many jobs (like honestly probably close to 30 jobs). it gets tiring and annoying when you see other people getting jobs. this was  all of my thoughts for the longest time but now i have a different perspective... God puts us through dry spells and periods of uncertainty/doubt for a reason. There is not a season in this life wher

A couple of weeks ago I had a discussion with a man about why I wanted to be a special needs teacher and what has happened in my life to make me where I am today. At the end of our discussion he said something to me that I have thought about ever since. He said, "it sounds like you have more abilities than disabilities" i do not think the man knew how impacting those words were to me. you know why? because it is the truth! in this world we are filled with so much negativity. so you say you have a disability..the immediate thought is what can you not do? how does that impact you from living a "normal" life? it was so refreshing to have someone listen  to me and hear  what i was saying in a positive way. he did not care about what i could not do but what i could  do. he looked at me for who i really am and did not label or judge me for my disability. over much thought about what he said i truly want this quote in my future classroom. you say what does this quot

I decided to write on a funny topic that happens all of the time. let me give you a couple of scenarios. I walk into the nail salon..."oh hi niki!! how you doing?" (they say nothing to my mom who is always there) I walk into the gym... "oh hi nicole! how are you??" (they say nothing to my friends who always come with) i could go on and on about the different places I go where the workers who are there will know me by name but will not know the person who always comes with me. it is like the joke between my mom and I. She will always tease me and say "how come they always say hi to you but don't know me when I am with you every time!" it has allowed me to think about it and question why exactly that is. i think it is because it is so rare to see a person with a disability like me living an everyday life. especially how i love to have conversation with people in which most people with disabilities cannot communicate as well. so when they meet me

On Saturday I went to walk up my stairs and my foot slipped from under me and I fell and hit my nose on true edge of the stairs. my nose did not bleed that much so i thought nothing of it. although it did seem to be a little crooked so today i went to the ER to get it checked to see if it was broken. i thought i would share my experience... first i had to get a CAT Scan so they could see my nose because it was not hurting and did not look like it was broken. it was a struggle to get the scan because you have to hold your head very still. well when i get nervous i get shakier and it is very hard for me to not shake even if i try my best to calm down. so they had to strap my head and chin down so i would not move. luckily it worked and they were able to get the scan and see that my nose was not broken!!! it just is swollen so hopefully it will hopefully be normal and not look crooked!! my other story i wanted to share was a reminder of how blessed i am. the doctor of the ER was a ver

I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason and that a person can learn from every experience. Many of you have been asking about my job. After careful consideration, praying, and discussing with friends and family i have come to the conclusion that the job did not fulfill what i would like to do. many of times in our culture we want things now and do not take the time to really think about what we are doing. we get caught up in the moment. and sometimes we need to learn to think things over and analyze who we are and what we need . that is the true struggle of the transition of life after college. all through the 4 years of college we think we know what we want to do but do not really know until we get into something. through the process of making this decision i have realized my true passion is to work specifically with children who have disabilities. that is what gives me the true joy and those are the moments i feel closest to God. by working in the special

Tonight was my first night back volunteering for special needs during church service. i worked with the kids last summer and was so excited to come back to work with them. after the service on my drive home i had nothing but a smile on my face for how good God is and His little reminders. all of the kiddos in my class are mostly on the autism spectrum. there was a new boy that i just met for the first time today. right when he came to the classroom he asked me "who are you? and what is your name?". it made me smile with how blunt he was and me noting to myself well this is going to be interesting... this little boy looked at me like any other person: -he asked me to play tic tac toe -he went to me for help when the iPad was not working -he listened to me and did not act out when i told him i couldn't do something as i left after service he was in the lobby and asked me "are you going home? your not staying here? wait, what's your name?" his innocenc

12:50 - stuck in traffic, literally have not moved for 5 minutes. My interview is at 1:00! What am i going to do? i take out the dreaded phone and dial the number of the lady i am interviewing with. i tell her i am stuck in traffic and am going to be late. She says "oh, thank you for calling, take your time, i appreciate you letting me know" PHEW! I am in the clear I knew it from the first few moments of talking with this lady that this was going to be different. she looked at me like a normal individual. she did not look tense or apprehensive when looking at me and answering questions. she just got me. the second question she asked me was how are you going to be a good support to these adults with disabilities? (thinking to myself this is the question i was born for). i explain to her that i have grown my whole life fighting for my rights and the respect/accommodations i need and now it is my turn to do that for others. i understand what individuals with disabilities nee

This whole post grad life job-hunting is not as easy as one may think. I must say I think i was naive when thinking about post-grad life and how i thought it would not be that hard to find a job. welp reality sure did hit and here i am three weeks post grad and honestly have no idea what i am doing. yes i have: -had 2 job interviews -applied to probably 30 jobs -no success so far all i want to do is pursue my passion of helping others with disabilities but how can i do that if i don't have a job? well let me tell you what i have learned in the midst of this dry patch. why would one want to hire a person with a disability? this thought has popped in my head hundreds of times in what you would call post-grad life. i have learned that in interviews i have to address the elephant in the room which is my physical disability. i can guarantee the person that is interviewing me is thinking hmmm how is this girl going to do well with a disability. it is just another obstacle in li

4 years ago I remember crying all the time as I was preparing to move out for college. I was so nervous transitioning to living on my own because I did not think i could do it. i was scared that my roommate would not be helpful or judge me for my disability. i didn't think i could make friends or do my own laundry or go get food all the time. what if i couldn't open something who would help me? these were the thoughts of my mind freshmen year. but now let me tell you how those thoughts were completely wiped away and what i have gone through in these past 4 years have completely blown my mind and i have seen God's beauty work through my life to make me the completely independent person living with a disability i could be. my first big step was applying to be an alpha leader and i got it! i got the opportunity to be a student leader. i got the opportunity to go on bridges, which is physical demanding because you have to walk and serve all over san fran. when i accomplished

This last week I had the wonderful opportunity to go to Puerto Rico with Lifetree Organization. I thought i should write about the many things God showed me over there and the many conversations i walked away knowing God's presence. first off, going into this trip i was nervous because what we were going to be doing was repairing homes. i did not know what exactly this meant and if i was going to be able to do the work. but right away the Lord assured me that he sent me to Puerto Rico for a reason and i should not doubt. well, He provided and this week we were to be painting the inside and outside of this elderly lady's home. PAINTING ! that is just perfect. i could do painting no problem. so the first worry was checked off and let me know the Lord was watching out for me. then we were told that there were 2 houses to do and we would be divided into 2 groups. the house i got chosen for was a lady named Vangelita. she lives with her 49 year old son who has polio which is the

Last night in my psych of the exceptional child class we had a thought provoking discussion. We looked at the verse in Psalms that talks about God knitting us in our mother's womb and how we are fearfully and wonderfully made in God's image. my professor then asked us how we can apply that to our future students. at first i was thinking that i would tell my students with disabilities that they are made for a purpose and God did not make a mistake in creating them with a disability but then my professor threw us for a loop when she said what happens when that child says how could God make me fearfully and wonderfully made when i have such a flaw as a disability. how could God make a person with a disability when a disability is not wonderful at all?  for me this thought pained my heart for i do not think this way. but what would i say to that question ? through reflection i would say that God loves each individual. we are not made perfect and that is so we can seek God in our

There are two things that have come across me in this past week i thought i'd share.. first: it is interesting to me when i come in contact with an individual and they talk to my friend instead of me to ask a question. this happened to me last week where an individual who has come in contact with me several times and knows i am fully capable of talking turned to my friend to ask a question about me instead of asking it directly to me. now through my growth in figuring out what it is like to live with a disability and see the good in everything that happens i have viewed this situation differently. a year ago if this would have happened i would have walked away annoyed and bitter but through God working in me i have learned it is okay. individuals often feel uncomfortable when approaching a person with a disability because often times they have not interacted with a disabled person. i totally understand and forgive this individual because to think about it in their shoes i may h

LABELED . The word majority of people fear. It has been brought up to me recently about how people have the fear to be labeled. I am in a psych class for the exceptional child and this topic came up last night. One big barrier for kids with special needs is there parents not wanting them to get help because they don't want their child to be "labeled". because of this the child suffers because he/she cannot get help and teachers have to be on their tip-toes to not offend the parent(s) or the child. Don't get me wrong.. i feel for these parents. we live in a world that people need to be perfect and if you are not perfect then you failed. so for a parent to have a kid with a disability, they feel as if they did not do their job  correctly. it is a hard truth and one that i know my parents and myself had to deal with. but what i want the parents to realize is it is their job to turn that label into a positive.. However,  this brings me to another thought as to why I

What does this year of 2014 look like for me? it is a year of change, a year of finding God's beauty in everyday life, appreciating what i have at every moment, growing in myself and my God , helping others, being a light for others, having new experiences, letting God shine through me. every time at new years people make "resolutions". majority of the time these resolutions get forgotten about within weeks or months. for me i just want to give this year to God and really try to let go and remember He has plans for me and I just have to listen. God has called me on this earth for a reason and i want to be in awe of Him everyday. i am not going to lie though that this year is going to be filled with worries, unknowns, and changes. i will be graduating from APU in May this year which is such an exciting but scary event. i must say that i am also proud of myself. for being a person with a disability so many individuals think there is not that great of a future for u