Joy In The Midst of Struggles

Yesterday I uploaded some photos on to Facebook and I noticed that the album for 2017 was titled 2017: i choose JOY. I couldn't help but laugh because this year was everything but that. If I'm honest, I did not really enjoy 2017. 2017 was one of the hardest years I have had in a while and I will be glad to put this year away. 2017 involved a lot of tears shed, from relationship dynamics changing, to rejection, to not knowing if I was following God's calling, to my current struggle of having a challenging class plus going through my masters. I look back and I remember my journey leading up to going to Kenya. There were so many moments where I sat there and thought maybe I misread God's calling. Maybe I have too much on my plate and I can't put my all in to this trip but God provided and filled my doubts with answers that I definitely was supposed to go to Kenya and it gave me an experience to reach the broken disabled population over there and to experience God'

Last night when I got home I happened to turn on the show 20/20 and they were doing a special on "the Good Doctor" which is a TV show about a doctor who has autism and is successful. They then showed real life doctors who have disabilities. They did a segment on a doctor who has Cerebral Palsy who walks exactly like me and almost mirrors myself. I was immediately filled with emotions because I never meet individuals like me so to see someone like me and who has the same feelings about life as I do is incredible. Let me tell you.. He applied to 12 different medical schools and got denied even though he was very much so qualified. Just like me I interviewed for 14 jobs before I got my current job. He said a lot of the medical schools didn't let him in because of his disability which is exactly how I felt when interviewing for a job. His doctors growing up told him he would never walk and would not be able to have a career, which is exactly what the doctors told my par

I don't know where your life is or where your heart is at but these last few months have been hard.. It has been filled with a lot of challenges and ups and downs. Sometimes you think you are ready for something and then you dive in realizing you are drowning and doing the doggy paddle just to survive. You wake up everyday and look in the mirror and see those terrible under eye bags and think will these ever go away? But I wanted to write this post about a few things that have happened lately. About a month ago when I wrote that posting about words really do hurt I was already struggling and when that happened I just broke. It was hard for me to stay positive and I was dragging getting up in the morning. Well, that night I got home and I was scrolling through my instagram and I came across a post that said God is sending help. Don't worry. Hold on. I remember thinking okay okay yeah God I have been asking you to help with this situation for the last two months. I am

Lately, little things have popped up about parents of children with disabilities and I wanted to write a little something. Dear Parents, I see you. I see the hurt in your eyes. I see the struggle of balancing how to deal with someone who is different. I see the sadness. You got pregnant and dreamed of a beautiful life for your child. You imagined all the little steps your child would take and then boom something is different. Your world starts crashing down. You get the word from the doctor of a diagnosis. You start hearing the words your child will not or can't. You think what? How can this be? How am I going to navigate a world that is so foreign to me? Where do you even start? Everyone wants to support you through this new journey but they just don't understand. They don't understand that your child is trying to talk to you but no words are coming out of their mouth. They don't understand that you watch your child trying to tie their shoes and they are just tak

This word I despise because people use it to describe someone and then use it to describe something that person is not. This word is offensive, degrades a person, and puts them into a category. This word is...NORMAL I have had multiple people throughout my years say this either to me or in regards to the differently abled population. Oh my blood boils because I am so passionate about this word and how people use it in the wrong way. Don't get me wrong, people do not mean it negatively but I just wanted you to see this word from a not "normal" person because here is the thing everyone is normal.   Let's think about this what did you just say? Everyone is normal. It's true we all have a unique characteristic about us. We all have something that someone out there would say  is weird. So for you to say I am not normal is offensive. For you to say any one of the individuals I teach or am friends with that have disabilities, or myself strikes a nerve in me

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me... Remember that saying? You would taunt it when you were a kid but as you get older you start to realize um wait a minute.. words do hurt me. This week was extremely challenging for me and I am still trying to pick myself up from it. You know with having a disability you have to develop a very thick skin because people can be mean and say mean things or do mean things by their actions. But still when you get that one person that targets one of your biggest insecurities you can't help but cry. I knew going into any profession I would get someone to tell me you can't do it you have a disability & that was and still is one of my biggest fears. So when it did happen this week I was crushed and I mean wrecked. Driving home from that day the Lord guided me because I was crying so hard that the car lights were blurry. I have worked so hard to get where I am today. I have pushed through multiple obstacles from

You all I just finished my first quarter of grad school. I am working full time, have extremely challenging students, and taking two classes. I ran off of 5 hours sleep, which I need my sleep because my body gets a lot more tired than an average person, had to say no to plans and parties with friends, cried A LOT (almost every night), and drank a ton of caffeine (Red Bull, tea, coffee, soda, you name it). It probably was the most taxing eight weeks I have ever experienced. I definitely was not prepared for it...& I don't know how I survived and today I found out that I got 100% on my final paper in one of my classes that I worked 15 plus hours on. I am not going to lie I legit cried when I read what my professor thought of my paper. But I wanted to write on here what I learned over these last 8 weeks. It's okay to say no I am very much a yes person. If you want to go somewhere I say yes. If you need a favor I say yes. & If I don't say yes oh my I feel extremely

Guess what!!!!!! It     is         World                     Cerebral                                       Palsy                                                  Day! The day to share your story and bring awareness to the most beautiful people. This day always allows me to reflect on my life on the journey I have been on since birth. Since birth you are labeled. You are cut down. You are not enough. You are not capable. Get ready for a life of hardships. ha! That's what people love to preface you with. But then you get surrounded with hope. You have parents that choose to say no and choose to say yes to believing their child is beautiful, is enough, is capable and will be faced with hardships but will knock them down. I think in recent years the phrase "you will move mountains" has felt extremely close to my heart. It is a pray I say to God all the time and it is something that I have seen him move mountains so much in my life. The mountains the Lord has allowe

Many of you saw the posting of me being shared on a website called Yoo Can Do Anything. I decided to write in to them discussing my story (https://yoocanfind.com/Story/1081/joy-in-the-midst-of-struggle). One thing I have learned as an adult with CP is to not be ashamed of yourself and to spread awareness so more people can understand and accept you. This website is bringing powerful awareness to help individuals from around the world understand the disabled community. The CEO wrote about how and why the website got started and you can read the story right here!!! Hi, my name is Moshe Gaon and I am one the CEO of  yoocanfind.com . yoocan is the world’s leading empowerment site for people with disabilities. In 2008, my nephew Erez was born with a rare disease and complex cognitive and physical disabilities. When Erez was born, we didn’t really know what to expect. The odds were against us and the doctors were pessimistic. We understood that we needed to focus on his quality of life

As I go back to work tomorrow I like to reflect on what this season of summer has meant to me. The theme that stands out to me is this season I learned to be in love with who I am and where I am. I learned Jesus is the love of my life and we could go nowhere without His love. The month of June was filled with adjusting to the quiet, low key life of summer. It was trying to learn what God had in store for me this summer. It was starting a new Bible study book with some new girls and preparing myself for Kenya and celebrating my best friend's birthday. It was a month of adjusting and figuring out what to do. The month of July was a month of realizing I am enough and I am called to inspire those around me by which I learned in Kenya.  It was learning that I am truly not ashamed of my disability and realizing God has given me the strength to be proud of myself and showing that God can make anything possible. I turned 25 this month and that was a scary number. I used to say I would

Oh dear my friends. My heart has been wrecked ever since Kenya. The Lord has opened my eyes to a world of ashamed, broken, hate for the disabled population. I am not going to lie I have been having a hard time recently with the fact of people not seeing the love a disabled person gives out. My heart is so heavy. I am shedding some tears while I write this. On Monday of this week CBS News did a segment on how iceland is eliminating Down Syndrome ( https://www.cbsnews.com/news/down-syndrome-iceland/ ). I am beyond devastated after hearing of this. The fact that people think the world is better without the love of a Down Syndrome individual is gut wrenching. I am at a lost for words. Why are people so ashamed and afraid of individuals with disabilities? I see it in Kenya, in Iceland and here. I mean I have often thought about this. When I go to target, the mall, grocery shopping how often do you see a differently abled person like me walking around...not too often. I recently saw anot

Today as I sat in the office of my academic advisor registering for my classes for my MASTERS of Special Education I could not help but just realize how the Lord has walked beside me and clung to me saying you can make it my dear. As I walked away from my appointment I could not help but feel emotional. I have been fighting for my rights in education to be treated like a "normal" human being my whole life. I have so many people tell me I am not going to make it. They judge me for my outside and assume I am incapable mentally. I asked my mom later did you ever expect me to be going for my Masters? She answered me honestly and said when you were little no I did not but since you have been in your 20s it doesn't surprise me. My advisor asked me today why I wanted to be a special education teacher and this is what I told him. Hope Individuals with different abilities need hope, love, and encouragement that they can become confident, independent, and beautiful peopl

A S H A M E D This word has wrecked me. This word is nasty. This word hinders. This word prevents people from being themselves. This word has has been on my mind ever since Kenya. You know one thing I did not expect when I went to Kenya is that I would get to work with the disabled population. I got to go into homes and visit and pray with differently abled individuals and their families. One thing that has wrecked me is how ashamed  they are of differently abled individuals. They do not let them out of their houses, they do not have resources for them, they do not have individuals to encourage them to seek help. They are ashamed and hide them from the world. My heart has been broken ever since then.  I don't think that word ever crossed my mind throughout my life. Yes I have hated or been frustrated with my disability but I don't think I have ever felt ashamed . I have been talking this through with many individuals trying to grasp what I am feeling. I

It was Thursday night (July 13). We were at our late night debrief where I was an emotional wreck from the life changing day of going into 7 different disabled homes. I was so filled with joy and God's love that I couldn't stop joyous crying. Our debrief ends and our leader, Amanda, asks me and two other girls to stay back. Oh no..what could they possibly want from me.  "So ladies, we have our women's conference on Saturday and we would love it if you guys could share for 5-10 minutes your testimony and how God had redeemed you". Um what now? Me talk in front of 500 women about my life? Cue the heart pumping butterflies in the stomach. I did say yes because I felt the Lord saying these women need you. I mean I have shared my testimony before but in smaller environments where I knew the people. As I started thinking I said God you know what I am not going to prepare a speech I know you will be with me and provide me with the words these women need to hear. S

I never really knew why God called me to Kenya. I knew I have always wanted to go back to Africa because I loved the people but I didn't really know the purpose of me going. I doubted it A LOT before going and it did not click until the day I met Simon. So I had found out that the organization (Missions of Hope) had just started a program for the mentally disabled. I knew that on Thursday we would be doing more home visits. I had asked my leader if there was anyway possible that I could maybe go visit with some disabled individuals. It didn't really seem promising and my prayer this whole trip was "God just let me be your vessel for your kingdom". So we show up Thursday morning and the social worker that works with the disabled was there and my leader made sure I was in her group!  We got the opportunity go into 3 different homes that morning. It was amazing how God used me because in Kenya the locals are extremely ashamed of disabled people. They make them hi

Jambo!! I am made it back from a life changing trip in Kenya! I will be posting a few blog posts about stories that happened there but first I wanted to give you all an overview/timeline of what I did everyday over there July 7 - We landed at 2 in the morning! As we are all waiting to get our luggage we notice that no new luggage is coming out. Hmmmm what is wrong?? Yeah well all 90  of us lost  our luggage. Our flight out of LAX was delayed which made us have to rush to our next plane in Turkey. The airport personnel decided they did not have time to transfer our luggage to the next plan which ended up for us not getting our luggage. We got like an hour of sleep and then we had to wake up and start our day. We went to pangani which is the main school we worked at. We were greeted and had an opening ceremony from all of the kids. Then we got to take a social worker and walk around the Mathare Valley. We were able to go into one of the shanty's and pray over a sick girl and h

Wait, how is it already time to get on a plane in less than 48 hours and go to Kenya! As some of you may know I lived abroad in South Africa for 4 months. When I was there I fell in love with the people. Their joy and love grew my heart so much. I knew that when I left the Lord would bring me back to Africa. How and where I did not know. Until... One day I was sitting in church and it flashed across the screen that they were advertising mission trips. Then popped up the destination to Kenya. I just knew it was my time to go. I had no travel plans for the summer and I figured what better way than to go to serve others. Sometimes I just get overwhelmed by what God plans for me. If you were to ask me 10 years ago that I will be going on 3 mission trips by myself (not knowing others)I would have said ha! your joking.  But here I am. On this trip, we will be working in schools, making home visits and giving out solar lights, putting on a woman conference for 500 local women, taking the

One thing I love about one of the my best friend, Lexi, is the open conversations we have. She is the one person that asks the questions a lot of people are afraid to or the just don't bring it up at all. Recently, at dinner we talked about how a lot of people ask "don't you want to be cured?" or we experience our student's parents wanting a cure for their child's disability. Here is my response... Yeah it would be nice to not have a disability. Do I pray that God helps me to walk better, clears the way I talk, or stops the tenseness of my hands? You betcha. Do I wish I could experience just one day of what it would be like to be "normal"? Heck yes. However, here is my BUT But I don't know what life is like without CP. CP is who I am. I can guarantee you I would not be the person I am today if I was cured. You see this question I think is different than asking someone who has cancer or has come down with a disease because those people know

Dear Class of 2016-2017, Where did this year go?  I remember the first time you walked into my classroom. You were scared, crying, uncertain. You didn't want to let go of your mom or dad's hand into the hand of a complete stranger. You didn't know how to write your name or cut on a straight line. You peed your pants, cried when you didn't like the food, laid down instead of sitting criss cross. But me oh my. Look at you now.  To tell you I am proud is an understatement. Yesterday at our awards ceremony you heard your name, walked over to your principal, got the award, and stood on stage proudly. My eyes welled up with tears as I realized how far you can come. Yes, academically you have grown so much but socially and  confidently you have shot for the stars. Now you are proud of yourself not just because I tell you to be but because you believe it. You are independent and you are going to accomplish great things. As much as my heart is going to hur

"I'm lucky because my scars are on the outside" Um wait. Hold up. What did you just say? Today I came across this show called "First Dates" (yeah reality tv. the weirdest but interesting show). There was a guy who suffered from 3rd degree burns and so he had scars all on the front part of his body including parts of his face. He was very vulnerable and open with the girl he was on the blind date with. He then goes yeah I guess I'm lucky because my scars are on the outside and majority of people have their deepest scars/insecurities on the inside. Um cue the lightbulb. I just began thinking well that is true in my world as well. My deepest insecurity is on the outside. Everyone can see that I am different than the "normal". Yeah you may not know what it is like to live with a disability but you certainly do know I suffer from something. But the part that truly hit me is he said he was lucky for that. Do I consider myself lucky for h

You can LET GO now my dear. You are now capable. You do not need me. I know how hard it was for you to walk around the mall or the store or Disneyland or the park but now look at you. You walk 10,000 steps a day. You are constantly on your feet walking with no assistance. You can walk around Disneyland and go for hikes without feeling weak and tired. I have carried you since you were young but no w you can fly and this seat I have will remain empty because now, my dear, you are STRONG. You are a warrior that can accomplish miles you never thought were possible. You are not disabled but beautifully differently abled. Love, Your dusty wheelchair My walker, my stroller, my wheelchair were all things that made me feel different. They were the constant thing that said you need me because you are not capable of walking far distances. I don't think I could explain what it is like to wheeled around and just have so many people look at you. You know they are wondering

In honor of Mother's day this Sunday and one of my followers question I decided to write a post dedicated to what my momma has done for me in regards to my disability. I must say my momma is the strongest person  I know and the way she researched and advocated for me is incredible. At the age of 3 she went to the school district and asked for ways to get me involved in preschool and socializing with other kiddos. I was in occupational and physical therapy pretty much since I got diagnosed. She was always looking for the best thing for me and the best ways to make me stronger. I was in therapeutic horseback riding from the 2nd grade until high school. She would drive me to San Juan Capistrano once a week after school and let me say that was definitely my favorite kind of therapy :) Despite that, socially my mom always was open with me and pushed me to stand up for myself. I will never forget this one time around the 3rd/4th grade we were in the mall and I was in my stroller (a

Hi beautiful readers! I have realized that my blog has started to make a shift and the Lord has kind of stirred this up in me recently. He is pushing me to be more vulnerable about the true struggles of having a disability and recently I have written some parts I never thought I would share. With that being said I really want this blog to be an insight on a disabled life for YOU. So please post some questions you may have or always wanted to know. I will answer anything!  If you feel it in you to repost and share with your friends. I want to be a person to help others know more about the disabled world <3

Dear fingers, Let me tell you sometimes you frustrate me. You are bony, flexible. You have a mind of your own. You love to wiggle and move when I just want you to be still. My nail lady tries to paint your nails and you just love to tease her by moving all around. Monika tries to get a picture of you and you, pinky, decide to stick up  in the air.  I try to grab something and you just decide to tense up and not want to grasp the object. I can't hold a pencil properly, I can't type with the correct hand formation, I can't hold a drink without being nervous your going to spazz out and spill the drink, I can't get the card out of the slot in my wallet fast enough or sometimes at all.  BUT as much as I love to hate you. You are MINE. You are evidence of a CP warrior. You, my dear fingers, are unique. You remind me of a beautiful story that I have gone through.  This posting is inspired by my beautiful friend Monika who is pursuing photography and is doing

The other day my mom and I were shopping in Kohls. When we were in line to checkout I was browsing around still looking at the clothes. I would pull out different tops I like and show my mom. When we were almost to the front I joined my mom in line. There was a lady behind us that looked at my mom and says "She has really good taste"... Um hello I'm right here! Tell me that. I then said in a loud voice "why thank you" Let me tell you this happens more often than you would think. People look at my mom and tell them something about me when I am standing right next to her. It's like they don't even see me. They think I am dumb and do not understand them because I physically have difficulties. I am a strong 24 year old woman that has to constantly fight for individuals to see me and to talk to me like a regular human being. I hope that lady caught on that I do understand and she should think twice about seeing a person like me. Yes I can get frustrated

I feel like in this month of March I have been drowning. Trying to survive each day. Wake up with dark circles under my eyes just trying to make it through the day. With work and home life it's like a whirlwind and then BOOM! I get super sick for 2 days. no work. no moving. nothing You know I think the body gets sick to remind you to slow down and make sure you invest in yourself before others. I went back to work yesterday and let me tell you when I got home I was exhausted but filled with thankful tears because sickness makes you realize who truly cares for you and my coworkers were so concerned for me and helped me the best way they could and my students were so loving and patient with me. Sometimes when we slow down we look at life in a different way. Let me tell you a little story that has touched my heart lately. I have a kiddo that utters 1 or 2 words so he recently got a communication device (iPad). The first day he had it my one student asked why and I told her sometim

A friend of mine is doing a research paper on CP and asked me questions about it. I thought it would be beneficial for all of you to read the answers as well. Give a little insight of what I may not cover in my blog posts! :)  What classification of CP do you have? I have mild, spastic CP. It affects my whole body What difficulties did you have when you were young (socially, physically, emotionally, etc.)? Well this is a hefty question lol. Let’s start with physically – obviously I could not do the things that other kids could. I couldn’t run as fast as others or play any sports very well. I struggled with fine motor skills so I had to constantly get help or have adaptations. Emotionally/socially: I was blessed with good friends and I never truly got bullied which is very rare so socially I felt okay. Emotionally, not so much. I struggled a lot with why I was different. I didn’t like not being able to do things that my friends could do. I hated getting stared at in public