Joy In The Midst of Struggles

 Hi there! I know I do not blog on here on a regular basis anymore but my baby is napping and I wanted a place where I could remember the beauty of my pregnancy and birth. So here we go... June 20, 2023: I found out I was pregnant! Cue all the emotions (excited, nervous, scared) and the now what!  June-July 2023: I had just switched to my husband's insurance so I didn't have a doctor or anything. Luckily, with Kaiser I was able to get in pretty quickly. You see I wanted to be seen pretty quickly because I was on medication. I have been on medication since I was 15 for my spasticity/shakiness in my hands. Mind you I was 30 when I found out I was pregnant so I have been on this medication 3 times a day for half of my life 😲. I had no idea how my body would react to being off of it or even the process of getting off the medication. At first I was getting varying opinions about whether to stop cold turkey or to stay on it. Eventually, I spoke with my neurologist (who I wasn't ...

 It has been over a year since I have been on here but I thought that my upcoming birthday of turning 30 was fitting to write a post about this last decade of my life. Especially since this blog has been a part of my 20s. So I thought I would write a letter to my 20 year old self.. Hey girl, It is me, the older, stronger, more independent version of yourself. I know right now you are so excited because you just got your driver's license which is the first step to independence and knocking down a boundary that people said you could not break through. But girl that is just the start. You truly have no idea how God is going to move you to become such a successful independent woman. I know right now you are worried that no one is going to want to hire you for being a special education teacher. I can tell you it is not going to be easy. You are going to have to fight for your abilities but the right principal is going to see you and believe in you and give you that chance because here w...

 Here is something that frustrates me about the state of California. Basically since I was diagnosed with CP I went to CCS (California Children Services). They provide free occupational and physical therapy until your 21. This is so awesome and I would go twice a week until high school where I would do more check ins because I was becoming more independent and doing so well I did not need it as much. Now I know what your thinking...um Nicole why are you frustrated with this? Well did you noticed I bolded until your 21? This is the issue. Once you turn 21 they are like bye bye good luck with the rest of your life. It has been difficult because you get dropped off and on your own without any recommendations of where to go next in life.  Most of you know that hot yoga has been a life saver for me and has basically become my physical therapy and it has been great until...covid. Due to the shutdown it also caused a shut down of my body because my physical therapy (aka yoga) was tak...

 Do you ever have moments where you are reminded why God called you into your profession? Last week I had one of those moments. This conversation brought tears to my eyes because it helped me realize that I have given my students the ability to have open and honest conversations about topics that may be a bit awkward. I was teaching a small group with two of my students. One of them has been in my class for two years now and the other just this year. I do not know how we got on this topic but we were discussing how I used to be a kindergarten teacher here is the conversation Student: I remember seeing you when I was in third grade and thought she walks differently. Me: Why did you think I walk like that? Student: I don't know maybe that you got stung by a bee? Me: haha okay what do you think now? Student: Well you were born that way. I'm used to it now and its just normal. But I still have never seen anyone like you. Me: I agree. I don't really see anyone like me either. St...

 Hi there! I know...its been a while..but when you were an online teacher for a year you take every opportunity to be away from the screen..BUT here I am. I am back giving you all the details of life with CP.   So as we all know living through this pandemic has not exactly been the best and a few weeks ago I got an unexpected side effect of this pandemic. A few weeks ago I went back to teaching in person full time and my yoga studio opened back up (HALLELUJAH!) . We all know that working out at home just does not cut it. So the next week after returning to school and yoga I started feeling some pain in my right leg. Let's be real I feel pain a lot so I just figured my leg muscle was tight or I may have pulled something (my right leg is my bad leg, it turns in more and is usually always tighter than my left). No big deal right? Well...a week later the pain is not getting better it is getting worse. & I know it is not a pulled muscle because the pain is not there all the tim...

Reflecting on 2020 is interesting. It seems like everyone is just wishing for this year to be over. Isn't that true for any hard time that we go through? We beg and wish for things to end when it gets bad. However, I tend to find that when things get rough that is where true learning begins and where you find how strong you are and how important it is to lean on your people and your God. So here we go..all the things I learned in 2020.  January & February -  life was going smoothly and I had a whole plan for this year (which thank God that plan fell through because God definitely had a way better plan) March  - I still remember reassuring my kids on Friday the 13th that I would see them in two weeks and they have nothing to worry about. ha! So here we go as far as change of plans. I became single this month as well. Oh but a big blessing this month was my beautiful nephew being born! April - This was an incredibly hard month as distance learning was not mandatory and ...

 Hello my readers, sorry I have not been posting much but when you are a virtual teacher you need the break from the computer when you can get it. But recently something happened that I needed to stress. In October I returned to my childhood orthopedic doctor because finding a new doctor that really knows about CP is actually extremely hard and I needed a refill of my medications so I decided to return to my old one. The appointment went well and he told me that I am still doing great and no other recommendations except to increase my vitamin D (gotta keep those strong bones). Well in November I got a refill of my one medication. I got home and opened the bottle and realized wow these pills are a lot bigger than my previous ones. I then read on the label they were 5 mg instead of my usual 2 mg (which I take twice a day which therefore is roughly 5 mg for the whole day not 5 mg for one dose). I immediately did not feel comfortable so I figured well I will just cut the pill in half. ...

 Hi There! Here we are another year and another World CP Day! It's hard to believe I have started this blog 8 years ago and have been discussing life with CP for that long! Never would I have thought I would be so open about my CP struggles as I do in this day and age but I have learned through writing this blog that it is very educational for you readers and helpful for me. If you follow me on social media you know I did a poll and a lot of you do not know what CP is or what causes it so here are your answers! What is CP? Cerebral (part of the brain) Palsy (weakness or problems with using the muscles) is a disability that affects a person's ability to move and maintain balance and posture. There are different types of CP like spastic where the muscles are incredibly stiff or dystonic which is involuntary movements (which is what I have) where if I reach for something or carry a glass of water I cannot control my shakiness. What is the cause of CP? CP is caused by an abnormal b...

When a chapter closes it is a mix of emotions. You feel excited, nervous, sad, doubtful...all the feels. Last week I said goodbye to my first apartment that I had been living in for 2 and a half years. Now I know some people may say well it is just an apartment but this apartment meant much more than just a place of living. I remember seeing this apartment building getting built and every time I would pass it I would think "my goodness that would be a great place to live". Then passing by it one day with my mom she said well why don't we go check it out...three days later I applied and got the apartment. It happened so fast and I was so excited to be moving into this dreamy place but so nervous because it was the first time I would be living alone. I mean mind you I am a completely independent woman with CP but I do struggle with some things like opening jars and bottles, getting things put away quickly, opening packages, etc. But if you set your mind to it you can acco...

"Ain't it funny how life changes. You make plans and you hear God laughing"...Thomas Rhett. That song speaks such truth because I definitely made plans and God changed that all around. 3 months ago I found myself in a state of grief because my future plans all crumbled to pieces. Literally every piece of my future that I had planned out broke. I do not think anything can prepare you for grief. I think grief is a process and a journey and I do not know if you can ever really get over grief. It will always have a slight tug to your heart. Hello quarantine and hello a broken-hearted Nicole. I have learned a lot about life and a lot about my God throughout this time. I have learned that it is okay to have some days where you just cry and don't do anything for that day except have a box of tissues by your side. I have learned it is okay to be angry as well and to express that to God. I have learned to process through emotions one moment at a time and one day at a tim...

A few months ago I was walking down my apartment hallway. My neighbor's door was open and her little girl was in the hallway. As I am walking down the hallway I hear the little girl say "Mommy, why does that girl walk funny" (not the first time this has happened. Majority of the time parents love to say "Shhhhh! That's rude. Don't say that!"). But instead of the typical response I usually hear the mom had a beautiful reaction. She said, "Well honey, why don't you come inside and we can talk about it. You see sometimes people are born differently...". I didn't hear the rest of the response because I didn't want to creep but I wanted to yell Thank you! Thank you for not sweeping it under the rug and teaching your young ones that it is okay to just ignore us disabled individuals and it is not okay to ask questions. This mom had the right response. She took it as an opportunity to teach her daughter that there are different individual...

Here we are ... week 10 of this Corona Virus isolation. 10 weeks ago I thought this was only going to be a three week ordeal and now who knows which is the scary part right? However, I have learned so much in these 10 weeks and quite frankly have been on an emotional and physical rollercoaster so I wanted to hop on here and share what I have learned. I have learned a lot about my physical body  upon which I have never experienced before. Before COVID I lived a very active life. From teaching all day and moving around the classroom and the school to then getting home and go to a 1 hour hot yoga class. I never really sat down for a solid hour until after dinner. Then in this not so active isolation wow did my body take a turn not for the better but for the worst.  For the first two weeks of this starting I was okay and then I started getting intense lower back pain. Usually if my lower back is tight I focus on stretching and maybe use a back massager but the pain usually goe...

A couple of weeks ago I was in Target and I needed to walk past a mom and son (he was about 5 years old). I said, "excuse me" and they moved over. Then I heard the boy say..  "She has a funny voice"...(this is often how children refer to me when they know I am different they say funny). Now it is not what the little boy said that bugged me. It was what the mom responded with "Don't say that" Boy responded: "Why?" Mom: "Because it is not nice to say" You may be thinking well what is wrong with the mother's response? Let me tell you. How are children supposed to learn how to be around and treat others with disabilities with love if they are taught to ignore them and not learn from them. You see that mom indirectly just taught that boy that it is inappropriate to ask questions about people who are different from them. The boy just gave a natural curious statement and instead of learning why it is that I talk funny he ...

Hello all! It's been a while! But as many of you that follow me on Instagram or Facebook may have recently saw my latest post about my shaky hands and I wanted to pop on here and describe more in detail so here we go! I have talked before about the therapies I went through as a kid and one thing I have not mentioned is I got Occupational and Physical therapy through the state called CCS and the way the state works is they provide you services until you are 21 and then you are kind of left to "adulting" with CP where you have to find new doctors and therapies to work for your body. Roughly 6 months ago maybe even longer I started noticing that my hands were more shaky than usual. When reaching for a glass or cup my hands are having a difficult time grabbing the cup or I spill the contents of the cup more easily. Now I take two kinds of medications Baclofen and Artane that are to help with my shakiness. I started these medications in high school and have had several adj...

Do you ever have days, a week, or weeks where you notice the same thing popping up. Over the past two weeks I have been in conversations with 3 different sets of people and the same topic has popped up. What is this topic you may ask? It's the fact that this person typing this blog right now is so different from the girl back in high school or the girl from 4 years ago. You see the first person I had this conversation with I have known for 6 months, the next was my best friend I met in college, and the third was a group of girls I have known for two years. The two that have known me the shortest amount of time were shocked when I described myself from a while ago and the one from college completely agreed with me. You see when I think about my high school self and college self I see a shy girl that didn't want to look anyone in the eye for fear that they would see  my disability and immediately not like me. Or fear that if I look them in the eye then they will want to ask que...

Hi all. Sorry it has been a while but with the holidays and everything I just got swept away. But lately my schedule has been a little more relaxed and since I lost my voice last week I have spent a lot of solitary time and one thing that kept popping up in my mind lately is how much things have changed in a year. In just over a month and a half it will be the year anniversary of me moving out on my own (how crazy is that?!). But it was around this time that was one of the hardest times of my life. I would drive home everyday just crying out of tiredness out of hurt out of frustration or stress. I was beyond overwhelmed with relationships changing, stress from doing my masters, and a job that was taking a lot out of me both physically and mentally. When I look at pictures of myself a year ago I see a girl with a fake smile because I was trying to do everything and be everything I thought everybody needed me to be. So then I began thinking how did I go from this very dark place to whe...

In the recent months I have noticed a shift on social media about how some individuals do not like the word "special needs" to label someone who has a "disability". They tend to argue why do we even have to label and my kids/own needs are not exactly special. I remember bringing this up to my mom when I first heard of the backlash and my mom said she argued that there is nothing wrong with that label because individuals with "disabilities" DO have special needs, which I agree. I see nothing wrong with the label "special needs" because we are truly special people. So what shall we call you?????? We certainly have come a long way as far as the label goes. I mean come on people used to call us retarded. So I am proud of the shift but here is my view of what I preferred to be called and what I call my students. We are DIFFERENTLY ABLED. Do you want to know why I prefer this term so much better than "special needs" or "individua...

Hey There! I know it has been a while since I have chatted with all of you on here but between wedding season and holidays life has been rather chaotic. But I wanted to come on here and write about how my life has change since last Thanksgiving and all the goodness the Lord has showered me with. This year has been filled with A LOT of new so here we go... 1. A new adventure of moving out by myself! This one I think is the biggest because I knew I wanted to move out but I didn't know how it would happen and of course the Lord always lays out the perfect path and I am so in love with my little apartment and the person it has made me become. There is so much you learn about yourself when you are alone. I have learned to cook (let's be real very simple meals). I have learned how to pay bills and to never stop trying because you better keep working until you are able to open that bag of cheese because no one is around to help you open it. This new change has made me more com...

Alright friends we all know I am very real on here so let me tell you about my real life and things I sometimes forget to talk about. This last weekend I was in Colorado for my best friend's bachelorette. I think I have told you all before that I take medication for my shakiness. I have to take pills three times a day (morning, afternoon, and night). Now let's be real sometimes I forget to take my afternoon pill and the last weekend I had forgotten to take my afternoon and night time medication. So here are the side effects...I become really shaky. So the following day the girls and I hit the downtown and got some coffee to warm us up. Well I think that I have already told you that carrying open drinks is not good. aka beware it will spill so if you combine that with not taking my meds...hot mess alert. The girls started walking and I tried to catch up but I was just spilling my coffee all over me (yeah these are my hot mess moments). But what was different about this one i...

A few days ago someone asked me if i had ever questioned God? Boom thats a heavy question now isn't it? So I am going to give you a little bit of my faith journey. I was raised in the Lutheran church and went to private school my whole life. This was a blessing as I have known of our amazing Creator my whole life but that does not mean I never doubted Him or got angry with Him. I specifically remember a time in 5th grade where I was having a very difficult time accepting my disability. At that time I had a leg brace that went to from my foot to my knee because I was having issues with my right knee always turning in. I remember laying on the ground crying why God? Why do you have to give me this stupid disability? Why can't you just heal me and make me normal? I remember that moment the most because that was the angriest I ever was with God. It's like you see other people getting healed and God performing miracles and you are praying just as hard and your like what the ...